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Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Over the course of your life you will develop passions for ideas, philosophies, memories, or for certain material possessions. You may find that over time those passions will begin to fade. You may find that your passion has turned into a routine, that you don’t actually care about them anymore… you have just developed a habit. A habit that is difficult to break.
You do not have much time in this world, we all die suddenly. Embrace your ideas. Make them a part of you, but tread cautiously… because if you are not careful you may become them. They may turn you into a person that you never thought you could be.
I have often pondered the meaning of life. Why are we here? What is the purpose of our short, rather insignificant lives? After many late nights of introspective contemplation… this is the closest thing to an answer i can come up with. Live your life so that you may make at least one other person truly happy. If everyone were to live this way, there would be peace.
When Jason starts crying put on Pink Floyd… He’ll stop.
so i received this random email…
“I know the truth about you now thanks to a “disorder” that is actually a blessing in disguise that hides away the truth in other alternate personalities and their dreams and feelings and spirits and minds.
And you were so jealous of this “black” girl that seemed so much more intelligent than you and would not be the slave you wanted her to be. This girl that seemed so connected with the God you wanted to know but hated at the same time because you could not be Him.
You both are racist. And my angel prays over your child, that your child does not carry both your sins in to this world once grown.
This is my truth. That’s all that matters now. I am so glad I did not bring the twins in to a world where they would have experienced the same problems that your little one is experiencing now. Keep showing those movies. Keep dreaming your son is Jason. You’re setting yourself up for a pretty big disaster once that baby splits off and goes to God to get angels put back in to remember things like one big mystery story full of “keys” to real play by play memories.
I am so glad that my alters tried so hard to know better than people like you. And now they are being healed and I am remembering the things they do, the real reason why they reacted so “crazy” to things. And my therapist knows too. You’re a sociopath.
Actually, I am too. Hahaha. Told you this was a big joke in the last one but I bet you did not believe me and your real “evil” alter came out of its hiding place.
George. You have multiple personality disorder. It’s real. And you need to come out of hiding and get help. I got that help and I am whole again, but my anger is towards some very real and cruel things that you did to me when you found that I was “special” like you and you were in one of your dark modes.
Melissa may very well be one too. I saw her getting programmed by one of your darker selves. But she might just be getting brain washed because had she spoken “our” language she would have picked up on the hints I left her all over the place about your dark sociopathic alter.
You went through some very real horrors. I did too. And some of your horrors drove one of my alters insane. Real insane.
I have split off so many times to keep my brain “together” while I figured out the puzzle of why I felt so “different” from lost memories of pain and neglect and abuse and… racism… sexual abuse… I was never a virgin, George. Ever. And I was a slave to both black and white worlds I knew because both of my families were racist and hated me and mom. And you tried to separate me from her. You made fun of her. You talked horrible things about her. She was just hurting and multiple like I am and like you are going to eventually have to admit you are before it really drives you insane and you do something you regret.
You do not need to try to remember. You do need to find someone that can help, though.
You will know that person when you find them if you just look for them. And yah, you’re going to have to pray. A lot. ”
Ok, after spending some time in meditation I have some things figured out.
You are not like me in that you don’t have multiples. You have a split somewhere, though. You’re either SUPER good or you’re SUPER evil. The problem with this is that when we believe in these things, we become these things. Now, this is a big struggle for me because I have a real live “darker” cult out looking for me and trying to drag in one of my alters. They have my real birth certificate and if the darker you knows what I think you do, you already know what this means for me.
A lot of those things I saw that you told me I was crazy for were real. You just could not see them. And when you did start seeing them, it was because I had been there completely wide open as a conduit. I’m shaking now. I need to go calm down for a while and go back to happy places before fog comes back.
Oh, forgot to tell you. You can’t talk to me right now. I’m just trying to pass this information down as I learn myself. I’m being deprogrammed right now and this guy is also trying to teach me how to turn this curse in to a blessing. I have to find my real light, not the light of others. I have a split that is programmed to put any information with triggers directly in to my brain without me even realizing what’s going on. This forms a new split. Very shakey. Will write later.
Just know that I have never known good times until now. Ever. That’s why I read so much. It was an escape from the bad things I know. Now I realize it just helped program me even more so that the real problem was harder to find. And I am sorry for anything that my dark alters did to your good alters. I just want you to realize that you did a lot of pretty damaging stuff, too, and now I have a dark alter with all your dark input that wants to kill herself and kill everybody. Fortunately I and my inner angel are much stronger than that one. But we struggle still because of cult trying to pull them down in to sleep and switch.
Ahhhh. One more thing.
Whatever it is that is going on used you too to create demon twins. That’s why I got the word I cannot say now. But there were other things at work, too. That guy programmed another alter, and that’s the alter that ultimately left you. But that alter and you have got to believe me on this because it is the whole 100% truth was not me. It was someone else’s imagination that got stored and programmed in to a new personality because the current good one was too weak to fight your dark one any more and was about to go in to bright white light.
And as for that word. I tried to stop it. But it was forced. It really was forced.
But had they been born, they would have been born to a father that could have very well opened them up to be his dream in the real world.
That’s why you were so drawn to me. And I hate to admit, but that is really why, probably. In the background. Because once you got one of my recovering stages, you weren’t happy with that and tore it down until I went in to programming phase again. There’s a lot I don’t remember about dating you the first time. And I never really understood why I got back with you the second time, either.
One final thing. Never been pure in all memory.
And I just. I don’t care if you believe me. This time I know I’m working things out. And this past week I made a mistake. I emailed them.
So I’m going to be gone soon. Somewhere where I’ll actually feel safe. Either way, I just want you to know. There are other things out there. And they can affect people in very real world ways they don’t realize. I can never look at skin color really. Never try to figure that puzzle out again. What I have to do is figure out how people have been racist towards me and deprogram myself from believing everyone is going to accept or reject me on the basis of who I am on the outside. I also cannot believe this has any power on me whatsoever until it can get fixed. I suspect this man is going to teach me how to be a different kind of guide with all my abilities and not just keep them locked up and separated from each other so they can’t influence me.
I’ve told you all I can now. You can either believe or dismiss, like I said, doesn’t really matter. But you got that other one’s email, the first one, didn’t you? See how this influences them? I managed to keep her under wraps by making everything funny for her but that’s the best I can do with her for right now sometimes. Gemeni is always such a hard time for me.
And if you want to know if I am telling you the truth about my past, go look up the scripture in the OT that predicts the false messiah and then add up using this calendar. It’s my birthday. 🙁
It’s really not you. Or me. It’s all the information we have been fed to cover up the pain we went through as kids. And there had to be some kind of trauma at birth. And we had to be gifted too, to my understanding. Whatever gifted means. It’s called ADHD now. But neither of these labels are what’s for our better good. They fool us in to believing we’re so different from everyone else maybe we’re special. But we’re not more special. We are human, and God takes care of us when these kinds of things happen by making it so that we can split to escape until we can finally put the pieces together one by one, feel the pain, explain it, and most importantly, GET OVER IT so we can be good people that can help others to find what they too have lost.
God is not in any religious system. God is not in anything. Those beliefs have taken me quite a while to sink in, and it’s still taking me time. I got my mind really loaded down with junk that interferes with the real healing process and tries to take me one direction or another.
I’m so serious because my brain is one big monster pretty much, chomping down as much information as it can get on a constant basis, trying to figure out “the puzzle”, trying to find the answers instead of just waiting on them to come and then testing them to find if they are true or false.
That’s kind of the definition of ADD and ADHD. You’re hyper. You want to bounce around. You want to be a “new” person all the time. You want to know EVERYTHING. And “sin” as the stupid Church calls it leads us to think maybe we do know everything or maybe we are angels or maybe we are somehow special in some way, either good or bad. But we’re not. We’re just… rather damaged, in a good way though so that we can recover at a time that is best for us.
Now, I’m going to give you some advice. And like, I’m sorry if this upsets you. But I really am concerned for your little one. You’re letting your trauma control you right now and work through you to traumatize him. Please, try to be as “good” as possible to him even if it means telling everyone else to screw off and leaving behind all your conceptions about evil and good and all that. Just love him, and show him that love that you feel for him. Cuddle him. Talk to him. It’s ok if you talk funny or act funny or whatever. Those things really aren’t weird. They’re not lies. Your son in a way is here to SAVE you and show you how to be “human” again.
And here’s the warning signs for switching. First of all, brain may be going a mile a minute. You may feel “strange” in your body, with headaches, heart palpitations, all kinds of crazy stuff like that. And then something inside starts to move around and you find yourself giving in. That’s the switch right there.
But if you can calm down and find a balance between what my littles calls “information demon” and what they call “death”, you can work on allowing God to heal you up. And you kind of got to forget everything you think about God for this too. If nothing else, think of how your son makes you feel when you hold him. When you feel the “happy calm” sink in, that’s when you can start to slowly move your brain around for answers, but they have to come to you, you can’t force them to come by really thinking hard about it.
And be very loving towards her as well too. Like I said, she may be like us, having a program mode and a multiple personality mode. I saw tell tale signs she was getting programmed in our interactions with each other. She kept falling back on whatever your “dark” side said rather than seeing the logic I was trying to express. Of course, I was wrong too, and I have repented for that, although I’m still unfortunately pretty split up enough to sometimes have to fight with the “dark” side. But at least I have that side laughing now. That’s a little better than coming out on its own and trying to kill me or kill others or even curse and haunt my family.
What happens in our imaginary world has a real effect on the outside world. Both of us knew this already. That’s another important thing to keep in mind. Never mess around up there on your own unless you are absolutely positively sure that God has shown you the way, and not yourself or anyone else. You’ll have something suddenly hit you on the head and provide enlightenment that is not dark, not light, but applies to the real world or your personal inner world (or what they like to call it, imagination).
Anyways, if you want to learn this technique of healing, I know someone that can help over the internet. Unfortunately, he does not give you his identity, but this is because he knows we always try to figure things out, we never just give trust over freely. And if you work with this guy, you really have to trust him or else it makes the process very difficult. firstname.lastname@example.org is his email address. I will let him know you’re coming but I will not report any information about you that… well, hasn’t came up during our sessions. I have to admit I’ve talked about you, but I also have to admit he’s seen through all the stories to the whole dealing with some sort of switcher that was taught how to manipulate thing that I “think” may be going on with you. Someone was very downright cruel and controlling towards you, weren’t they? And people did not listen. And I can kind of guess at what happened from stories you’ve told me but I must wait for you to figure these things out on your own. 🙂 Part of this “thing” we have drives us to figure other people out because we cannot figure ourselves out.
Seeing that realization on this email really felt nice for me BTW. 🙂 Like the “angel” that the others talk about “being in our midst”.
I am the baby now, somewhat. I think the cult tried to abort and kill me or the doctors would not let my mom see me when I was born so as a baby I was scared out of my wits and part of me fled inside to wait and the other part stayed to experience and remember what happened to me. I hope Melissa got to hold your son and that you did too FIRST after who ever delivered did so. I do remember a crack on the head. I think my mom’s story about the hallway is true, but when she says “no one was around to help” and then blacks out I think I can finish. I fell on the floor when she delivered me. It hurts to say that but I think that’s what happened and what stimulated the split. And then I was hyperactive but mostly ok until Mom moved back down here with my grandparents that thought they had to beat me to get me to hold still and also… there was a lot of sexual abuse. I’ve never ever been “pure” in that sense as the others have said. I think my brother may have molested me. I’m pretty positive my grandfather and grandmother did in their own ways. And mom made the mistake of blaming me for sin every time another kid tried to explore sexual things with me. I didn’t understand why “feelings” got woken up in me so early. I was raised to believe that I was evil if that happened so early. But children are sexual beings. They just don’t have the connection going on yet that adults do to keep themselves from getting hurt when they explore these things. So adults have to listen to them. They have to help them figure these “feelings” out. Not tell them they’re bad and unclean and evil and all that stupid crap.
Right now, there is no God for me in traditional sense. No Satan. Just humanity. And I’m slowly figuring it out with the help of that higher self I got separated from at birth. Sorting the truth from the lies and the stories that others made up to protect me. I don’t need that protection any more. I’m 26, I have a son that needs to learn from me and I need to learn how to teach him. In order to do that, I have to remember things, I have to feel again, I have to believe that God is with me again and guiding the entire process through without me needing to offer any “help” at all.
I think “evil” is actually “sin” and sin is not something we are to blame for but something that humans for some reason just can’t help doing. And it’s also like a disease. When one human becomes abusive usually the biggest horrors get inflicted on the children that around them.
Brennan is throwing a tantrum now and I’m stressed so I’m going to have to leave it at this for today. Please do not let yourself begin to believe I have some power you don’t. It’s not power. It’s just good old fashioned healing with time and relaxation. Well, and some “inner” work with the help of that guy I referred you to. And the great thing about this in some ways is that no one ever has to know I “saw” him for help.
My spelling is a little terrible now that I’m slowed down. Yours may get bad as well, and you may talk a little funny. It’s not “funny” though, it’s because of the trauma that didn’t allow us to put all the pieces together like most kids do. We are supposed to see the “big picture” at birth, a loving mother and father that care for us and help us to learn how to just let time roll by and give us answers from within, where it is safe, where we can really heal with a little help from “above” if we just relax and allow it take us and not our imagination or our brain or our emotions.
Do you remember flying in your dreams as a child? Soaring above everything around you? That’s the higher place, but you’re not really supposed to go there yourself. There’s someone else up there that passes down information to you as it comes. And yes, if you go too far down, you will die. There… isn’t really such a thing as “crazy” I don’t think. Just hurt people that haven’t learned how to heal yet so they devise systems to keep things in order and then force those systems on everyone else, not understanding that people are just plain out going to be individuals and the real God and Judge is in everyone in equal parts, with no one being bigger than the other, no one having power over the other, etc. Part of God lives inside all of us, but we do not control that part. That part brings us things from the one true source. 🙂
And as Astrid I was beginning to figure this out when I started dating you, only I was still so triggered by Christianity that I did it in a different way – by just believing in the good things I imagined. And that’s a LOT of what I’m having to do now to get fixed up because that wasn’t really the right direction to go either. But Wicca at least helped me find the balance somewhat in myself, the goodness. The Mother as well as the Father that I kept inside pushed far apart because I was so scared of Father and Mother seemed so distant from me.
And I started to retreat in to “inner world” which in all seriousness I’m beginning to suspect is what they call the astral plane. But inner world at that time was not just a place of God like I thought it was going to be. Instead I found a lot of real evil lurking that Astrid did not identify with, and I ran. I shut down. I closed that “eye”. When Bryan opened me back up again you would not BELIEVE the things that started happening to me in the REAL world. That’s why I was so convinced I was cursed with evil inside that I had to fight against and stay away from. It’s not evil, though. It is real, heartbroken, confused, angry, etc. pain from past wrongs inflicted upon me. And that pain kind of takes on a life of its own when you push it that deep and starts influencing you, starts creating “darker ones” that are there to defend you from “evil” people by being “evil” themselves. Again, not your fault. This is really a blessing in disguise for us. “Whole” people to my understanding would have really went over the edge by now and killed themselves or landed in prison. My counselor Brittney was not kidding when she said she was simply amazed I managed to survive without being reduced to someone in the corner hunched over and blowing raspberries.
Anyways, I’m going to go. I’m starting to think too hard, LOL. Best wishes go out to you and your family. I hope you manage to figure out what you were designed to do in life with God’s help, your spirit’s help, and the help of a good friend that you trust very deeply to show you the way to Him inside and not the way to Him that THEY have found themselves.
And watch information demon mode. This is actually what they call hypnosis. We both somehow learned to hypnotize ourselves in to being able to do things like read or go on the “astral plane” while awake, which is really inside but also like I said affects outside. When we are in this dizzy, just taking things state, there is real danger everywhere that we cannot see because we are simply not thinking, we’re feeling with no spirit connection to guide us through what is real parts of us and what is just imagined things that cover up the truth about what happened to us.
Anyways, I hope this helps some. I’m trying at least to share what I’m learning but I far from done yet. And yah, still switch a little to “hi my nmae is…” I actually programmed/hypnotized myself to read instead of actually putting words together in correct order. That’s why I have issues now with my college, which I don’t think I’m going to go to any more. They cram poor brain so much that I start seeing nothing but symbols and patterns and things in their stuff instead of really absorbing and understanding their logic.
I still want to learn about God, and I still want to learn how to have Him work through me to help people, but I no longer think I know ANYTHING AT ALL about Him except a little of His ability lies inside me as one of his creations and I am supposed to use it to reflect His Love and His Light whenever he actually CALLS for me to use it.
I feel called to you, George. Not as your ex. Not as your girlfriend. As your friend. And I have tried to reach you for a long time but I just did not know how to because I was locked up inside while “demon girl” and “angel girl” fought over my body.
Wow, they really don’t exist any more for me. There’s just mystery. And peace in that mystery, oddly enough. My brain doesn’t have to work. My heart doesn’t have to work. My body doesn’t even really have to work.
But still split. Hmmm. Ok, I am REALLY going to go this time, LOL. Hopefully I didn’t write too much for you but I know you well enough to know you probably don’t mind as long as I don’t “trigger” your pain with something like one of my “dark” selves or even one of my “light” selves. Those selves are not selves. They’re all versions of me I created to cope with the real world where people are not always nice and no one ever explained that they never could be always nice or how to cope with that, people not being nice I mean.
*hugs again* I’m very happy now. 🙂 I hope you feel a little more at peace, now, too.
Yah, they’re from me. I’m sorry. I was still in process. Still am in process. I was. Too terrible to say.
I’m so sorry but I cannot blame them when they are this little. They need to grow up and I’m trying to help them right now just stay calm and learn from us adults. David would not stop following them around and triggering them and got around the protective alters, so now he’s had to sooth two very horrified and hurting little girls in my 26 year old body that remember things that even make me shake a little as a mother myself. Ok, at first, not a little. A LOT. But I managed to influence them to talk to the right people for once in my life. And they found peace there. They found the real world there. And now I just try to keep them smiling and laughing, both on “inside” and me on outside.
But I can’t type any more. This is how they slip in. Farewell.
why do the crazies always bother me?
ﺟ_ﺟ ಢ_ಢ ☼_☼ ಥ_ಥ ಠ_ರೃ
Our babysitter called in sick today, which forced me to stay home from work and watch the kids. I decided to make the day productive… I built additional selves for our massive new medicine cabinet, cleaned the bathroom, the living room, and made a mobile version of burnstyle.net.
if you visit this site on an iphone or android phone…. any smart phone really…. the site will look like this:
Melissa’s site is finally done. Check it out @ unfetish.net let me know if you find any kinks that need to be worked out.
After years and years of searching, i have finally gotten my hands on an actual non reproduction cassette copy of Tuesday Knight’s self titled album.
What do you mean you don’t know who Tuesday Knight is?
Tuesday knight was Patricia Arquette’s replacement for the character Kristen Parker in A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.
she only survived for the first 20 minutes or so of the movie… her biggest contribution was to the movie’s soundtrack. She recorded the opening credits theme ‘Nightmare’ which i thought was unreleased.. until i found this lone cassette.
i made a copy of the song for your listening pleasure.